by James Halpert
Modsquad Reporter
In a shocking turn of events, it has come to light that one of the Modsquad's most beloved players has failed a recent Performance Enhancing Drug test administered by Flik International.
Todd Dias, the Modsquad's lovable Right Center Fielder, was informed this morning that he'll begin serving a three week suspension.
Dias, after leading the team in home run (singular) last season, was noticeably lacking in the power department. As does many a faded star, Dias cracked under pressure and allegedly began taking enough steroids to choke a horse.
Recent undercover photographs (pictured here) show the bulky outfielder flexing for the camera at a recent charity car wash.
After hearing the announcement, teammate reaction ranged from the shocked to the supportive;
"He should be ashamed at himself," said Minnesota's second favorite catcher Kyle Bobek, "You can't do that amount of PEDs and think showing up at a charity event will wash everything clean."
"I wanted to say something to him, but I was afraid he'd go into a 'roid rage and hit me with one of those pipes," said third baseman Eric Klein.
"Yes, I bought the tickets to the gun show. The Dias Gun Show," replied infielder John Leahy.
"More like a water gun show" said Rookie of the Year candidate Rebecca Smith.
"Am I surprise that Dias tested positive? Yes. If you would have asked me a week ago who I thought was 'roiding, I would have guessed Lima. You know, after his outburst during the Rueters game," said a Photographer/Scorekeeper/Superfan who wanted to comment off the record.
Modsquad Softball reporters uncovered earlier that testing showed Dias had used hCG, which is typically used by steroid users to restart their bodies' natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle. It is similar to Clomid, the drug Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and others used as clients of BALCO.
That last paragraph was ripped from an ESPN article written after Manny Ramirez was suspended for PEDs. I was way too lazy to research beyond the fake quotes from the teammates.
When confronted about the upcoming suspension, Dias seemed unfazed;
"More time for mountain climbing, and the suspension doesn't carry over into my other seven softball leagues, so I guess I won't have a hard time trying to chose which team I'm playing for."
Modsquad Reporter
In a shocking turn of events, it has come to light that one of the Modsquad's most beloved players has failed a recent Performance Enhancing Drug test administered by Flik International.
Todd Dias, the Modsquad's lovable Right Center Fielder, was informed this morning that he'll begin serving a three week suspension.
Dias, after leading the team in home run (singular) last season, was noticeably lacking in the power department. As does many a faded star, Dias cracked under pressure and allegedly began taking enough steroids to choke a horse.Recent undercover photographs (pictured here) show the bulky outfielder flexing for the camera at a recent charity car wash.
After hearing the announcement, teammate reaction ranged from the shocked to the supportive;
"He should be ashamed at himself," said Minnesota's second favorite catcher Kyle Bobek, "You can't do that amount of PEDs and think showing up at a charity event will wash everything clean."
"I wanted to say something to him, but I was afraid he'd go into a 'roid rage and hit me with one of those pipes," said third baseman Eric Klein.
"Yes, I bought the tickets to the gun show. The Dias Gun Show," replied infielder John Leahy.
"More like a water gun show" said Rookie of the Year candidate Rebecca Smith.
"Am I surprise that Dias tested positive? Yes. If you would have asked me a week ago who I thought was 'roiding, I would have guessed Lima. You know, after his outburst during the Rueters game," said a Photographer/Scorekeeper/Superfan who wanted to comment off the record.
Modsquad Softball reporters uncovered earlier that testing showed Dias had used hCG, which is typically used by steroid users to restart their bodies' natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle. It is similar to Clomid, the drug Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and others used as clients of BALCO.
That last paragraph was ripped from an ESPN article written after Manny Ramirez was suspended for PEDs. I was way too lazy to research beyond the fake quotes from the teammates.
When confronted about the upcoming suspension, Dias seemed unfazed;
"More time for mountain climbing, and the suspension doesn't carry over into my other seven softball leagues, so I guess I won't have a hard time trying to chose which team I'm playing for."
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